Ted Cruz Endorses Joe Biden

UNBELIEVABLE!

It’s starting to look like Donald Trump may have a harder time ahead than anyone thought in the coming election, as the announcement came via press release this morning that along with fellow Republican senator Mitt Romney of Utah, Ted Cruz has also switched party allegiance, and will be backing candidate Joe Biden this November.

“Hey. I am NOT sitting next to that slimy little turd at the table when we’re decorating the campaign signs. And he always takes all the glitter.”

Cruz, the long-time Representitive of Texas and probable son of the Zodiac killer released a statement early today that he would back and campaign for Democrat Joe Biden in the upcoming months.  Cruz cited concerns that he feared for his country, and also felt determined to keep his image as a greasy little shit whom anyone walking by would be compelled to punch in the face.  Sandy Batt of the “Cruz Control” Foundation for One-Eyed Inbred Texans read the release to whichever blonde sewer hag it was that had the middle chair on Fox and Friends:

“Ted, along with millions of Texans and Americans, has woken up to the fact that Trump’s incredible mental handicaps have become less head-slappingly stupid, and more outwardly murderous to average citizens during this pandemic.  Really, it was hearing the shaved Sasquatch suggest ingesting a cleaning solution and shining ultraviolet lights up people’s asses that finally snapped Ted out of his normal stupor.  He’s no ‘A’ student, by any means, nor does he rate a ‘B’, ‘C’, or even ‘D’.  But he’s no dummy.  Time to get the hell off the Trump train before it derails and dumps boxcars of senior citizen corpses all over the tracks.”

The Trump Train lost it’s caboose a year ago when Kellyanne Conway vomited acid onto Lindsey Graham’s cotton dress.

It’s been a silent dream of Democrats to turn the Lone Star state blue for years, and with Cruz switching sides, many trumptard officials fear that that goal may be closer to attainability.  Now, they say, it might almost be time to introduce Kentucky to the modern wonders of electricity and indoor plumbing.

About Fallis Gunnington 142 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

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