Pelosi Raises Welfare Benefits By 40%


During this trying time in America’s history, controversial decisions have to made.  With the economy falling faster than Mike Pence’s underpants at a screening of “The Full Monty”, out-of-work and needy citizens need help in hitherto unseen numbers.  It seems to have fallen to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, as the loosener of the country’s pursestrings to provide some additional aid.

At this point, America should probably just consider an economical fanny pack. We can get Florida to tie it on from the back.

Although Republicans have traditionally viewed welfare and social safety-net programs as “leeching” and “socialist”, all of the current crop of withered GOP oil and tobacco millionaires have grudgingly agreed to cartoon President Donald Trump’s stimulus program to mail checks to American working class consumers.  However, these payments increasingly seem less and less effective, prompting Congress to make additional payouts via the low-income assistance program.   Specifically, a 40% increase in funds.

The entire situation has caused dismay among the teabagging elite.  Although corporate welfare to corporations such as Wal-Mart costs more than 8 times the tax revenue that an average poor citizen or family of an enlisted military member does, the know-nothing slobbering hillbilly contingent still makes waves about the approximately 48 dollars per year that comes from their tax dollars so that a kid might eat instead of die.  Raising these benefits while simultaneously sending out thousands of additional dollars may cause more heads in the Senate to explode than a Nazi commander opening up the Lost Ark at the 50-yard line of a Patriots game.

Luckily, Tom Brady usually wears a protective necklace of Superbowl rings.

Is Pelosi deliberately throwing around money just to benefit her Democratic constituency and win over their votes before November, even though statistically, more red states and red voters are on the dole? Or can Trump’s teabagging parade of intellectual barnacles accept a year where they may have to sacrifice by buying one less 12 pack of Pabst?  Whatever the answer, let’s hope America can manage to foot these bills.

About Fallis Gunnington 186 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

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