Lindell Hires Bodyguard After Series of Threats

KEEP THAT MAN SAFE!

Mike Lindell is more than just your average, garden variety pillionaire.  He’s a brave, patriotic activist, bent on speaking the truth and, if necessary, inventing incredible tales, to get a message across to the people of America about election integrity and those who wish to impune it.

This kind of dangerous rebel-speak can anger the wrong people, and Lindell has certainly done that, with his comical video about Venezuela, the interference of a deceased Hugo Chavez, and, I think, a gang of ninjas dressed up like stripper astronauts or some shit, I don’t know.

I think something something watermarks ballot termites Tom Hanks’s robot dick something something.

But now, the fun and games could lose someone a proverbial eye, as the Moustacheod Master of Head Ravioli has started receiving very serious threats, both by internet and telephone, endangering his personal safety to the point where he’s been forced to hire a bodyguard, Mark William Calloway.  The nearly 7-foot tall behemoth comes from the infamous Bedknobs and Beatsticks Security Firm, run by former MMA fighter Joe Barron, and almost exclusively dedicated to safeguarding those in the professional pillowing industry.

The ALLOD network has witnessed copies of letters sent to the diminutive Gomez Addams-looking motherfucker, each with statements more startling than the last.  “To be the man, you’ve got to beat the man.” “Can you smell what I’m cookin’?”  “Whatcha gonna do when Dominion voting runs all over you?”  Just to name a few.

Lindell believes a lot of the threats are coming from thugs hired by the aforementioned voting company, Dominion, who is currently suing him for millions of dollars.  Of course, he also believes that trees are the forest’s leaf-penises and that Obama and Biden used mind-reading waves to win the election, so there’s that.

Lindell, seen here in his young crack days, was known as a “Tramp whore” about town.

Hopefully, Lindell’s newest giant ally in the War for the hearts of complete morons who believe anything will prove to be a good buffer between him and these evil assassins.   Or else his pilliowed head may have to…rest in peace.

About Fallis Gunnington 169 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

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