Joe Biden Pardons Malia Obama: ‘Kids Make Mistakes’

At last count, between 2016 and now, Malia Obama has been arrested no fewer than a dozen times. From the reports, Daddy Barack is usually there to bail her out, but not always.

Joe Biden, in another act that breaks the law of the presidency, has granted her a full pardon for “any and all indiscretions and crimes.” That means she’s got a clean slate.

How is that fair when decent men like Roger Stone end up in jail?

Anyway, this twist to this ridiculous storyline may be the dumbest thing ever, but things have been slow, and Malia is a good go-to. You may remember that it was a horribly written, racist article about her being arrested for cocaine possession that never happened that got one of our writers fired. It’s okay. He was a dick.

So now, we’ve managed to combine Malia’s fictitious criminal activities with Biden’s pardon spree, which includes the likes of Bill Cosby, Gislaine Maxwell, all of Antifa, and 2614 members of BLM. Approximately.

It’s been rather glorious, patriots.

Next week we’re planning to have her arrested again, but we’re thinking she may be in cahoots with Hunter Biden, which puts Ukraine and cocaine back on the table. It’s a good time to be a reporter, patriots. Especially when you can just make shit up.

God Bless America.


About Flagg Eagleton-Patriot 178 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.

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