Tucker Carlson Arrested After Assaulting Protester


The security force employed by Fox News studios in New York is top-notch.  Protecting and serving the on-air personalities, their guests, and all the technicians who bring the magic and entertainment to your screen are their top priorities.  This last weekend, as protesters from several different organizations including Black Lives Matter, Antifa, Les Enfants Du Sang, and the Maquis surrounded the lower level with signs, shouting, and marching, security forces issued a level one “code black sparrow” – meaning “enter and exit by way of armed guard.”  Fox News pundit Tucker Carlson chose to ignore that warning.

He also ignored advice not to feed Judge Jeanine after midnight.

According to Security Head Joe Barron, Carlson waved off his detail and exited the studio through the front entrance around 12:30 p.m. in order to meet with a male prostitute for his usual blumpkin before beginning work on the next day’s program.  The celebrity Caucasian was approached by a young, unarmed black youth, dressed in the suit and tie uniform of nearby St. Lifeson’s Elementary School.  Tucker’s brain immediately shifted into panic mode and when their eyes met, the star Fox reporter screamed out in fear and struck the boy with a medium-sized dildo kept in a holster under his left arm.  An off-duty police officer witnessed the confrontation and intervened, arresting Carlson for assault and battery, which will likely be compounded due to the age of the victim.

“Oh, Tuck. Relax. I’ll get Donald to pardon you after we go to the puppy-kicking club tonight.”

Eleven-year old Sima Nutzdrop contends that he had been simply cutting through the throng of protesters on his way back from recess to school when Carlson simply appeared, used racial slurs loudly, urinated down his pants, and then hit him with : “some kind of rubber snake”.  The young man was shaken-up and relatively unharmed, but says he and his parents intend to press full charges simply because Tucker Carlson is an incredibly colossal lying douchebag.

About Fallis Gunnington 171 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

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