It’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for. The big announcement from the big Kahuna. The “coming down the golden escalator” time for the present day. Donald Jehosephat Trump had finally smashed his cone of silence on the one subject that most of his admirers and detractors alike have been palavering about.
Just yesterday, from the Queef Shot golf course shit hazard in Mar-a-Lago Florida, Trump announced unequivocally that he is planning to get completely and totally back inside of Stormy Weathers by early 2024 at the latest.
As journalist and professional tongue shaver Sandy Batt reported last evening, Trump boldly crawled underneath a deer scat pile for his errant ball, pulled himself back to a standing position within fifteen minutes and made the declaration.
“People, people. Listen. I’ve got to tell you something, and it’s big. It’s really really big. Are you ready? Here it comes. I. Will again insert my whoopie stick into the ham wallet of Stormy Weathers.”
“Now make no mistake, people. The last time, I ended up paying. Money. Lots of money. But that’s okay. I have money, and more coming in every day thanks to my loyal suckers. But Melaria or whatever her name is, she’s like a dead fish in the bed. You know, guys need pussy. That is all. Thanks.”
Stormy Daniels herself was unavailable for immediate comment on this story, except to shrug and murmur “We’ll see” on her way out of the venereal disease clinic where she has been relaxing.
Trump notably came under fire for his affair with Daniels during the 2020 election. But son-in-law Jared Kushner maintains that he’s just a patriotic American with a patriotic stance.
“Mr. Trump just wants, and is willing to pay for, what everyone else gets naturally for not looking like a gigantic bag of moldy prunes. And isn’t that really the dream?”