Moslamic Missionaries to Go Door-To-Door For : ‘Althudiyu’

DON'T ANGER THE ALMIGHTY!

It’s a new way for Moslamics to get their word out and spread their religion of peace : It’s called “Althudiyu”, and it’s very similar to what you’ve probably encountered from Jehova’s Witnesses.  Missionaries in full Hurka robes and Salama sandals will be going door to door in every suburban neighborhood this coming month, handing out literature and having conversations with families.

In reality, they are actually a bacon-loving people. It’s black jellybeans they hate. Because they’re disgusting.

The Missionaries are being bussed in, with funding provided by a federal grant.  The federal money is part of the religious iniative that President Trump signed in order to get Bibles back in schools, even though, anyone could have brought a Bible to school at any time previously.  The mostly young-adult aged visitors will be distributing a publication called the “Katma Tui”, or “Hummus for Dummies” in English.  High Imam leader P’Kachu Shah Ruken told the media he’s excited to bring the word to the uninitiated:

“The Moslamic religion is one of peace and contentment.  We believe it would richly benefit the lives of everyday Americans resigned to the same old churches, the same old stories, and the same old people.  In Moslamia, variety is celebrated.  That is what the Althudiyu is for.  For holding us together with love and bouncing.”

The Great Floppers of Boombatta are ancient monuments to the ritual.

Even though the word is technically translated in Arabic to “tits”, it has constantly been a subject of profound delight and is poised to really catch on in suburban America.  So the next time someone comes to your doors and begins playing with your knockers, people, make sure you answer with a smile.  Within a few weeks, you might be kneeling down next to them in prayer.

About Fallis Gunnington 142 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

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