Biden Firearm Confiscation Bill Heads to Senate For Vote


It’s finally here.  The moment you’ve all been waiting for.  Since the election of Jimmy Carter, Republicans have made a campaign platform of telling Americans that every Democratic President was “coming for their guns”, ensuring them the solid voting bloc of paranoid schizophrenic nitwits who believe “Red Dawn” was a documentary sent by robot versions of the Founding Fathers from the future.

Can you believe the Clintons are still there too? They own a few oceans.

This gullibility has served to fetishize the country’s gun culture to the point where organizations like the NRA and the Heritage Foundation have successfully made a fortune on gun sales for decades.  It should be no surprise, then, that fictional President Biden has written fictional bill 90125 to simply grab weapons wholesale to pussy up the fictional alternate reality that teabaggers and their progeny, trumptards, reside in.

Joe Barron, leader of the non-existent group Liberals After Firearms Over Reasoning Malicious told media outlets that guns are too dangerous for too much of the population to handle.

“It’s common knowledge that anyone still supporting the GOP at this point is mentally ill. As we saw in the last election, that’s a disturbing number of deranged psychopaths who don’t care about mass shootings killing off their countrymen as long as they can have a pistol by their dicks when they’re at a Chick-fil-a.  That is about to end.”

“When a child constantly hits another child with a toy, the toy is taken away.  That’s the concept here.  And honestly, this is the headline that these uneducated flopsweat farms have been eagerly anticipating forever.  They should be overjoyed and masturbating in the booths of every Waffle House screaming about how they ‘told you so!'”


The confiscation bill, which is both invisible, and being delivered to the Senate floor by a cyborg unicorn driving a Volkswagon Jetta, is presumed to have an easy shot at passing into law.  Now everybody get up there and piss in those radiators!

About Fallis Gunnington 186 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

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