Pelosi Adds 20% Fee To Cash Stimulus Checks


Just when you thought that, as a good American suffering through the current pandemic crisis, you’d get a little relief financially from President Trump’s stimulus package, Nancy Pelosi has once again become the fly in your arthritis ointment.

The expression “fly in the ointment” actually came from Abe Vigoda’s embalmer getting the crotch of his Levis too close to the star’s prepared corpse.

Working overnight under the cover of darkness to pass HB 1137, Pelosi and her Democratic Congress have seen fit to take 20% of YOUR money as a “processing fee.”  For so many people, it’s remeniscient of finding that near mint copy of the Hustler issue that featured Melania Trump in a small amateur spread in the “Beaver Hunt” section for only 20 dollars on EBay, and then finding out the seller is charging a “postage and handling” fee of eight bucks.  That’s just douchey.

And that goes double for you, Tophatter. An extra dollar for an earwax cleaner? Just put it in an envelope!

Since much of the Trump base of voters view mathematics in the same way that a blind man views a kaleidoscope, Pelosi has had Joe Barron from the office of teabagging translation explain the result of this fee for the average potato : If your check is for $1000, 20 percent of that is $200. 1000 minus 200 is an end result of $800. Sure, that sucks, but most of the President’s loyal slobber monkeys should still be able to afford installing a new tape deck in the riding mower.

The Speaker has been mum on where these fees will be applied, but insiders have revealed that accounts have been opened recently by Pelosi’s accounting firm, reportedly to collect funds intended to make the Gulping Grandma the owner of her own vodka manufacturing company.  Cheers, America.

About Fallis Gunnington 171 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

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