NASA To Name New Shuttle After John McCain


In the name of the American space race, the space shuttle used by NASA as well as outside space-faring agencies is one of the most impressive technological marvels of the age.  From the Enterprise, to the Constellation, these hardy and well-designed craft are built to the highest standards.  Now, the renewed agency, operating under the Space Force flag, will be introducing it’s newest in the line, named for the late patriot and senator John McCain.

Conservative game show host Chuck Woolery believes the Space Force is a liberal hoax invented to hurt Trump’s wittle feel feels.

A notable thing to remember, however, is the fact that nearly all of the above paragraph is horseshit.  America’s space shuttle is basically the biggest failure of space tech in history, with pathetically outdated computer hardware and software, woefully embarrassing heat and pressure shielding, and an unbelievably clunky and wasteful fuel system.  Is there an old forgotten Ipod Nano sitting in your junk drawer?  Yeah, that thing has fifty times the computing power of the shuttle.

While astronaut and weed merchant Sandy Batt agrees that it was probably a bad idea to design a spaceship that can’t land on the moon after we landed on the moon, she also agrees with naming the craft after the Republican’s favorite presidential candidate.

“McCain was the last of the REAL Republicans, who actually believed in fiscal responsibility and government control, instead of nuking hurricanes and pretending that voting by mail is some kind of dick punch, like the current crop of trumphumping droolmonkeys.  Sure, he had a few bad calls, what Republican hasn’t?  And his presidential run had him being pushed too far right by his maniacal advisors.  But he still had some semblance of honor.  As opposed to criminals like Trump, Kavanaugh, and McConnell.  We wouldn’t name a broken toilet plunger after any of those schmucks.”

Toy company Hasbro has committed to naming this little girl’s hobby horse after Lindsey Graham. You know why.

The shuttle is receiving it’s finishing touches at Cape Canaveral right now, which, itself, is in the process of being renamed after Chelsea Clinton.  Make us proud, spacemen!

About Fallis Gunnington 186 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

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