Pelosi Denies Security Funding for Barron Trump’s Birthday Party


It doesn’t seem like fourteen years have already passed by since the day Donald Trump and his wife Melania gave birth to their son Barron, choosing life over any other alternative that may have been offered in today’s sometimes far too liberal world.  For his birthday this year, his now *Presidential parents had planned a White House party, with friends, family, a band, and fun for all.  Unfortunately, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has, again, proven to be the spoilsport Office-style “Toby” of the affair.

Pelosi was approached with a federal budget appropriation a month ago for a mere two million dollars to provide appropriate Secret Service funding for the bash, and after all this time, the rubber stamp came down as a big fat red “NO.”  The disappointed boy wept for hours.

Everyyyybody huuurrrrrrtttssss….
…when Micheal Stipe looks at a microphone like he’s going to propose to iiiiittttt….

It became even worse from there.  The band, “Kings Of Loads”, a cover band specializing in playing the songs of Metallica post-1988 immediately cancelled.  Expert cake-artist Sandy Batt who had been contracted to bake a confection shaped like Barron’s favorite childhood photograph – an image of porn star Stormy Weathers’ vagina – also declined her services.  Even Senator Lindsey Graham, who had been excited to perform as a birthday clown suddenly got a call that a black family had moved into his North Carolina neighborhood and rushed off with his regrets.

Even Ted Cruz said his mother was sick and he couldn’t go, which is a lie. Everyone knows he slaughtered and ate her in 1979.

It’s clear that partisan politics have become far too toxic when a child’s birthday party can be upended so easily by a woman with far too much power in her grandmotherly hands.  Next year, the poor boy might not have another chance when his father loses the election.  I guess in real life, kids just have to learn the hard way sometimes that sometimes your family and their rich friends just won’t pony up a measly couple of million for a bitchin kegger.


About Fallis Gunnington 171 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

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