Socialist AOC’s Proposed Smoking Ban Spurs Patriotic Outrage

You’ll take our cigarettes from our cold dead hands!

Last week, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez announced her intention to push through a bill to ban the smoking of tobacco. She cited global warming is the reason for this decision, stating that smoking created too much CO2 and was destroying the planet. Such a ban would affect millions of freedom loving Americans. It would cost both jobs and private joy for patriots.

So this week, conservative America is fighting back.

The Marlboro Company and others from Big Tobacco are reporting sales increases of 80% or more as conservatives from coast to coast are lighting up. Stock prices are reaching highs not seen in 50 years. Conservatives are showing liberals that they will have nothing to with the socialist agenda. And they are showing this by inhaling the sweet smoke of American cigarettes.

Andre the Giant smoked three packs a day from the time he was 10 years old. It didn’t stunt his growth. What else have the liberals lied about?

The sales surge comes from a split demographic. Many had never smoked before  in their lives, but have taken up the past time to symbolically tell the liberals to go to hell. Others are reformed smokers, having previously quit the hobby for a variety of reasons. We caught up to one of the latter, Sandy Batt, in front of the Des Moines Cancer Center, where she is being treated for Stage 2 cancer in her recently received transplanted lungs.

”I smoked Camels for 30 years. It cost me both my lungs to cancer but I survived. I quit even before the cancer, when the emphysema  and COPD struck. Doctors have told me that if I ever smoked again, I would most definitely die but there is no way I’m letting that little commie Cortez get away with this shit!”

Our interview was cut short when Sandy’s oxygen tank ran dry and she collapsed to the ground, gasping for air.

The MAGA Iron Lung Company expects to do a booming business in the coming years.

BUT despite the inability to breathe, she hung onto her Camel in a death grip. What a trooper! She is a true American hero in the fight against the socialist horde. We salute you, Sandy Batt, and every other patriot who is smoking for America!

 

About Rod Gozinya 119 Articles
Rod Gozinya is a self-described dick. This refers not to his manhood but the type of man he is. He doesn’t like you.

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