The fine men of the congregation of Saint Bagger Baptist Church in Third Eye Lake, Georgia are about to have much more free time to worship on their hands. The men’s Bible study group, “Brothers of The Big J” is announced they are holding a counter-protest to celebrity Alyssa Milano, who is encouraging women to withhold sex to their husbands or boyfriends to show opposition to a new Georgia abortion law. The Brothers revealed that they, and those who are sympathetic to their cause, will no longer masturbate to Milano’s former television program, “Charmed.”
Manager Pat Maweini of local television station WDKS which carries reruns of the show daily told the local media that he’s not worried, and that he believes the counter-protest will be short-lived :
“Look, many of these guys are retired and sitting at home all day. They’re not going to be able to resist watching three hot chicks prance around casting spells in low-cut dresses for very long before answering an overwhelming demand for monkey spanking. I mean, Alyssa alone has probably supported at least three Kleenex factories, but you add in Rose McGowan? These boys won’t be able to resist oiling the dolphin for long. I give it 48 hours before the town goes back to afternoon pickle-flicking again. What else can they do? No one carries ‘Caroline in the City’ anymore.”
Leader of the Brothers, Dixon Butts, responded to the statement :
“We have sworn to God that this hussy will no longer receive the attention of our family poles. We oppose that which she stands for, and no matter what she wears while dancing to a one-hit-wonder in the nightclub P3 that she and her sisters own, we have the courage to resist slapping our pork steeples. If we can make it past the one where they find a leprechaun and wear little lacy nighties without waxing our pumpyworms, we can make it past anything. Strength for the Lord!”
Amazon has reported that the town has led sales of Charmed DVD boxed sets in the nation for the past 7 years, and they intend to compensate for the men’s protest by featuring collections of “I Dream of Jeannie” in their targeted sale sections.