An early morning announcement from the Biden campaign roiled the Democratic party today, as it appears that former Vice President and frontrunner Joe Biden will be officially ending his bid for the Presidency. Biden cited “stress and psychological damage” to himself and his family.
Biden’s departure will likely leave the field open to candidates Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders, and Mayor Pete whose name I’m not about to try to spell, along with brash newcomer Micheal Bloomberg, who has made little to no attempt to explain his platform. Pundits believe he may cover the role of “centrist” during the race.
Biden went on further to explain that he intended to retire from politics altogether, using all that sweet sweet money from the Ukraine, Soros, and Obama’s Iran cash to open a shoelace manufacturing factory in northern New England:
“People are always going to need shoelaces. And I’ve always been fascinated by their beauty and simplicity. All the colors, the patterns…I’ve always been a pretty dull guy. I’ll see you every time you look down.”