Biden Quits Race : ‘For My Family’


An early morning announcement from the Biden campaign roiled the Democratic party today, as it appears that former Vice President and frontrunner Joe Biden will be officially ending his bid for the Presidency.   Biden cited “stress and psychological damage” to himself and his family.

Biden’s departure will likely leave the field open to candidates Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders, and Mayor Pete whose name I’m not about to try to spell, along with brash newcomer Micheal Bloomberg, who has made little to no attempt to explain his platform.  Pundits believe he may cover the role of “centrist” during the race.

Biden went on further to explain that he intended to retire from politics altogether, using all that sweet sweet money from the Ukraine, Soros, and Obama’s Iran cash to open a shoelace manufacturing factory in northern New England:

“People are always going to need shoelaces.  And I’ve always been fascinated by their beauty and simplicity.  All the colors, the patterns…I’ve always been a pretty dull guy.  I’ll see you every time you look down.”

About Fallis Gunnington 171 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

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