Dems To Distribute New Stimulus Checks By Lottery

OH COME ON.

It was a great American patriot who once uttered the challenge : “Do you feel lucky, punk?”  Well, it seems the Democrats in Congress have adopted that particular phrase and twisted it all around to suit their purposes.  If you’ve been hit hard by this pandemic crisis and are struggling desperately to make ends meet, as millions are, I guess the real question is : “Well?  DO you?”

That was Samuel Jackson in Die Hard 2, right? Love that guy!

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and her merry band of misfits have seen fit to take what little they’re willing to dole out to us petty citizens and determine who is going to get a sliver by lottery.  In other words, pure random chance.

Are you a hard working Christian father of nine who lost his job at the turpentine factory in Spunkvillle, Michigan, like Joe Barron, 45?  Sorry, mister.  Your number didn’t come up in Chuck Schumer’s magical bingo bubble machine.   Looks like it’s back to trying to sell off that priceless collection of vintage beer cans for a few spare coins to drop in the collection plate on Sunday.

Are you Sandy Battinowski, a wealthy massage therapist in San Francisco with three cars, two houses from ex-husbands who owned Planned Pasrenthood franchises and a diamond covered fur coat draped over a robotic refrigerator full of lobster lollipops and Nancy Pelosi’s thousand-dollar ice cream for you and your two lesbian “wives” to share during the next Bacchanal?  Congratulations!  You’ve been hand-selected to receive your fair share along with whoever’s came before you!  See if you can get first class when you head to Vegas!

DID SOMEONE SAY “VEGAS???”

As you might have guessed, much of this method was the brainchild of none other than representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who felt is was “the fair way to go.”  If this is how she legislates, make sure I don’t order anything too fancy at HER bar.

With no time left for further negotiations, it looks like America is stuck again with Democrat’s wacky ideas.  I guess we’ll just have to act like the Canadians told us to…and Roll the Bones.

About Fallis Gunnington 142 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

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