Researchers Say 700-Pound Lobster is 16K Years Old

Lobsters are some of God’s most amazing creatures. They produce an enzyme called “telomerase” that makes them “biologically immortal.” What that means is that the DNA strands of a lobster dont stretch and weaken when replicated. It has been theorized that if a lobster could evade predators and disease, it could potentially live forever.

That theory just became reality.

A clawless Philoroballic Madicareque lobster from an area just outside the Mariana Trench was recently photographed by scuba divers, and it is…amazing. According to the diver who took the picture:

“We nicknamed him Phil right away when we knew what we were looking at. We’ve been searching for Phil for decades. We knew there was a specimen like him down here, and today…total vindication.

Phil is about 16 feet long and we estimate he’s about 16,000 years old. That makes him older than many things on Earth, including Earth, in some cases.”

Religions from around the globe are trying to figure out how the creature will fit into their narratives. Jews and Christians may have to adjust their timelines a bit, which will also affect Muslims, though nobody will admit it.

Atheists stand to gain the most from the discovery, as a being that makes the sheer fragility of man look so silly isn’t really conducive to us being made in the best possible image.

The US Navy has sent a vessel to try to capture the creature at the request of the White House. Director of Information and Propaganda, Art Tubolls, says the Trump family is looking forward to serving the tail at their Labor Day cookout:

“The Trumps will celebrate the labor that has made them what they are by serving hot buttered lobster rolls that have been overcooked a bit to President Trump’s liking. He says it soaks up the butter better when it’s rubbery.

The administration would like to thank Phil for his sacrifice. Unfortunately, the carcass will not be given to science to study, as the mere thought of immortality goes against the laws of God.”

Well that’s a relief. At least this won’t affect Jesus here in America.

About Flagg Eagleton 42 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.

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