Trump Replaces Homeland Security Secretary With Jack Bauer


President Trump has once again shaken up his staffing by ousting Homeland Security head Kristen Nielson and replacing her with anti-terrorism action hero Jack Bauer.  Bauer has previously saved the American people from nuclear destruction, biological attacks, and hostile enemy threats seven times in as many years.

White House aide Leonard Snart spoke off-the-record to the Washington Daily Bagger about his misgivings regarding the assignment:

“I have problems, because i dont think the President is aware that ‘Jack Bauer’ is a fictional character played by Kiefer Sutherland.  His dementia has been really eating away at any semblance of reality that he had.  He wanted us to put ‘John Wick’ in charge of the Marines too.  I don’t know man.  Nobody wants to explain It to him.  It’s like talking to a barnacle.  A barnacle that smells like omelette farts.”

Sutherland’s terse response may indicate reluctance to resurrect his Bauer persona to handle the important position.  But, who knows?  Can anyone turn down President Trump?  Tick tock, Jack…beep beep….beep…beep…

About Fallis Gunnington 169 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.