President Trump Offers Julian Assange Immunity for Info on Clintons

Julian Assange has been given a chance to save his own life. According to our deeply-embedded source inside the West Wing, the President dispatched Rudy Giuliani in person to offer Assange the deal of a lifetime. We had to alter his font color for anonymity:

“President Trump sent Rudy to get Assange to turn over the goods on the Clintons. Him, her, the Foundation, the kid…whatever. 

Trump said Assange sent classified info across an ocean, which he has deemed treasonous. Assange can either cooperate or he can die by lethal injection as a traitor.”

Assange was arrested in London this morning after the Ecuadorian government kicked him out. They gave him $8 for a sandwich and called him an Uber. When he arrived at Chick-Fil-A London, he was arrested immediately and sent to a black ops facility for processing as an enemy combatant.

All of the charges against Assange are still unclear, but one thing is for sure — I think we’d all agree that info that puts Hillary behind bars is worthy not only of a full pardon but a cabinet position as well. Julian Assange could be the unlikeliest hero of all time.

According to polls, 93 percent of Liberals want Julian Assange locked up. Isn’t that enough to let him go? what he’s done has hurt them so much more. In these harsh times, shouldn’t we embrace as much absurdity, fear, and misinformation as we can if it means owning the libs?

America is no longer about reality or truth. It’s about patriotism and honor among patriots and stuff. Get it straight, libtards. It’s our country now, and we like Julian Assange’s chances.

About Flagg Eagleton-Patriot 148 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.