Psychic John Edward Predicts Biden to Win in Landslide

IS THIS WITCHCRAFT?

With his multi-million dollar book and television empire, John Edward may arguably be the most prolific and successful psychic in the world.  He’s accurately predicted events like the World Series, Benghazi, and the Boston Marathon bombing (Although he insisted during the prediction that the culprit would be revealed to be Dennis Hopper’s character from the movie “Speed”.)  Recently, in an interview with Queeftown, U.S.A. magazine’s Joe Barron, the wishy-washy warlock stated that his gift had told him, with absolutely no doubt, that Joe Biden would win over *President Donald Trump by a landslide in the 2020 election.

Edward has also predicted that Lindsey Graham will suffer a “wardrobe malfunction” during the Sturgis motorcycle rally. But on purpose.

No psychic has been 100% correct, and some blame those inconsistencies on misinterpretations of messages from the beyond or misunderstandings in dealing with the spirit world.  Psychics use all manner of mumbo jumbo to excuse their lunacy and fraud, very similar to Trump attempting to cover his ridiculous incompetence by shifting the subject to other nonsense.  For instance, both Trump and Edward believed at one time that Melania Trump was not a dumb whore.  Both were swiftly rebuked.

Edward, like most others of his profession, practices “cold reading” techniques, during which he collects information beforehand from the audience, and combines that with common knowledge guessing and carefully chosen wording to give the illusion of “magic” powers.  If any average person were to walk into a room full of people and ask “Did someone know someone who recently passed and whose name begins with ‘M’?”, yes, statistically that person will get a positive response.  It isn’t rocket surgery.

The psychic once convinced the medically-simple President that it was due to rain Russian hooker urine, and he sat waiting for 3 days.

This time, Edward told Barron that his spirit guide, Jojo, a green-tinted talking banana who passed away in a 1972 soufflet, revealed that Biden would defeat the incumbent dipshit in a landslide.  Critics dispute this as psychic predilection, however, since the Democrat is leading in nearly every poll, and Trump has alienated most of his base except for the die-hard meandering space-cases who people cross the street to avoid and speak to themselves under overpasses.

Has Edward challenged the Great Beyond to give us all a glimpse at a future where the President of the United States ISN’T a mentally handicapped blumpkin like Donald Trump?  We’ll just have to wait for the stars to reveal our fate.

*impeached

About Fallis Gunnington 142 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

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