Pope Francis Orders Trump to Apologize for ‘Bible Stunt’


His Holiness Pope Francis believes it is part of his calling to comment with the judgement given to him by the Lord God on matters that affect the world, His Divine Creation.  During the *Presidency of Donald Trump, he certainly seems to be trying to make the point that God is not on the side of his leadership, no matter what some deluded members of his flock believe.

“I do believe Jesus brought us Trump, but I’m not totally sure about Pence. He looks like the devils tampon.”

Now, in response to the *President’s very obvious pandering photo op holding a Bible and waving like some kind of inflatable googly man in a used car lot, Francis gave a statement yesterday to gathered media figures at the Vatican’s east gate.

“Mr. Trump, all of the sins you have committed against humanity can not be hidden behind the Bible.  Frankly, I can’t believe those murderous hands of yours don’t burn with hellfire just coming anywhere near the Good Book.  You endangered and continue to endanger your own citizens.  You are no man of God.  You are a morbidly obese man of oatmeal.  I order you, with the authority of God to stop pretending to His Word and apologize.  Dipshit.”


Cardinal Joe Barron stood behind the Pontiff as he spoke, and echoed his sentiments to a local cow who was wandering by.

“Boy, he really hates Trump.  Like, a lot.  The other day he was watching TV, and started screaming about how he was more useless than trying to teach Jesus to juggle.  He told me one time that if he was ever called to do an exorcism and the victim was Trump, he’d let the demon stay in and rip his dick off.  Pretty serious.  About the God stuff.  You know, he’s really really Pope-y that way.”

Administration spokespeople have admitted that the photo op was only the third time Trump has ever actually touched a Bible, the second being during his inauguration ceremony, and the first when he needed to steady the bed in a motel 6 while he cheated on his pregnant wife.


About Fallis Gunnington 169 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

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