Keeping her announcement until a later hour on the west coast, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi issued a press-release demanding that President Trump submit himself to a polygraph test before the continuation of the impeachment trial this week. Many internet services rushed to spread the news, as well as several independent daily publications such as The Trumptato Tattler, DD Dongles Daily, and Where Nickleback At Today Ladies?, which is self-published by the band. Many conservative Republican services are scrambling to prepare a take, with journalist and noted syphilis patient Sean Hannity himself, being sequestered in a sealed masturbation chamber underneath Fox News studios.
For those unaware, a “Polygraph” machine is known as a lie-detector device. Invented in 1921 by some guy in Berkeley, for Christ’s sake, the polygraph is said to detect lies by measuring changes in a subject’s blood pressure, heart rate, respiration, and skin conductivity. Generally considered nonsensical psuedoscience by a majority of the scientific community, the lie detector has been mostly written off as grossly unreliable. Update correspondent Robert Sandoo asked the Speaker why she’d made the demand, knowing the device’s reputation:
“Well, basically, I suspect he’s far too dumb to fool even the most basic of tests having anything to do with truth-telling in any way, for one thing. I mean, the man once lied about his NAME. I mean, the guy couldn’t tell the truth if a hundred cheeseburgers counted on it. And two, I just want to slap all those little sensors on him, and tell him that the body snatchers are finally taking over and see what he does. That’ll be fun. If he passes out from fear I’m gonna draw dicks all over his face with a magic marker.”
Pelosi is demanding that the President be tested : “The sooner the better”, and has already allocated funding from the money the President stole to pay for his wall from military families. Is this the best way to find out what culpability Trump truly has in his crimes? Or is the Speaker just busting nuts? Either way, tune in next time, True Believer.