Pelosi Demands President Take Polygraph Test


Keeping her announcement until a later hour on the west coast, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi issued a press-release demanding that President Trump submit himself to a polygraph test before the continuation of the impeachment trial this week.  Many internet services rushed to spread the news, as well as several independent daily publications such as The Trumptato Tattler, DD Dongles Daily, and Where Nickleback At Today Ladies?, which is self-published by the band.  Many conservative Republican services are scrambling to prepare a take, with journalist and noted syphilis patient Sean Hannity himself, being sequestered in a sealed masturbation chamber underneath Fox News studios.

In the 80’s, Hannity was once arrested for sneaking into Wang Chung’s dressing room at a concert and licking their keytars.

For those unaware, a “Polygraph” machine is known as a lie-detector device.  Invented in 1921 by some guy in Berkeley, for Christ’s sake, the polygraph is said to detect lies by measuring changes in a subject’s blood pressure, heart rate, respiration, and skin conductivity.  Generally considered nonsensical psuedoscience by a majority of the scientific community, the lie detector has been mostly written off as grossly unreliable.  Update correspondent Robert Sandoo asked the Speaker why she’d made the demand, knowing the device’s reputation:

“Well, basically, I suspect he’s far too dumb to fool even the most basic of tests having anything to do with truth-telling in any way, for one thing.  I mean, the man once lied about his NAME.  I mean, the guy couldn’t tell the truth if a hundred cheeseburgers counted on it.  And two, I just want to slap all those little sensors on him, and tell him that the body snatchers are finally taking over and see what he does.  That’ll be fun.  If he passes out from fear I’m gonna draw dicks all over his face with a magic marker.”

Pelosi also once pranked the first lady by telling her it was “Dress Like a Giant Vagina Day” at the White House.

Pelosi is demanding that the President be tested : “The sooner the better”, and has already allocated funding from the money the President stole to pay for his wall from military families.  Is this the best way to find out what culpability Trump truly has in his crimes?  Or is the Speaker just busting nuts?  Either way, tune in next time, True Believer.

About Fallis Gunnington 186 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

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