The NFL has decided to roll back its rule against players kneeling during the national anthem, but that doesn’t mean the teams have to comply. According to our source inside the Steelers’ organization, the management has made it clear that they won’t stand for kneeling.
Vice President of Football Operations, Art Tubolls, says the decision was an easy one to make:
“It’s simple, really. We want our Western Pennsylvanian hicks to be happy. This is largely a Trump-supporting town of pseudo-patriots, and we need to make sure they don’t go boycotting the team. So, while we don’t like ignoring the fact that these are perfectly legitimate protests, we also don’t like losing money. So players and coaches alike will do as they’re told or pay a steep price.”
Tubolls says the fines will also extend to visiting teams, and that if they don’t like it, they’re welcome to sit in the locker room during the anthem where nobody can see them expressing their opinions. “There is no opinion. Our fans are pretty racist. We’re not willing to piss them off. They only like black people when they score touchdowns.”
Tubolls also said that there will be a bonus at the end of the season for players who stood with hand on heart for the camera. “It’s a performance bonus, really. The white players have it rough, having to appear as though they care about veterans and their black teammates, so they’ll get a gift certificate to the local Mercedes dealer. The black players will have first dibs on the Popeye’s chicken sandwiches at the team picnic next spring.”
It seems like the Steelers have a good handle on this thing. They’re dealing with it just like you’d expect a cog in the American capitalist machine to. The entire league should take notes. Great job, Steelers.