House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is no friend of the second amendment. Her previous attempts to expand gun-control legislature in America have thankfully fallen flat, aided in part by Mitch McConnell, who has fought heroically to block voting on any bill that would save so-called “innocent” lives. If they were so innocent, they would have had a gun to protect themselves.
This weekend, the Bourbon Babe of Congress has floated a plan to have all handguns sold in the United States fitted with GPS tracking chip technology, allowing an independent government agency to monitor who is in possession of the firearms, where they are, and when they are used. If such a proposal sounds like something straight out of George Orwell’s “1984” to you, you aren’t alone. Fox News journalist Manny Kanblo recorded a statement from the Speaker during a drunken Galaga marathon at a local Dave and Busters :
“I think the American citizen has proven time and time again that he or she is far too untrustworthy to handle the responsibility of common-sense gun safety and control. What we’re looking to do is protect people from gun-wielding maniacs. It’s realy that simple. We’re looking to put these devices on firearms that can track them, track who’s using them, and possibly disarm the weapon remotely, if necessary. This will happen whether you like it or not, because I say so. Sweetie, be a dear and open this bottle for me.”
Since the announcement, activists with ties to the N.R.A. have mobilized to lobby against any of the non-existant legislature. Three gun rights boosters in Alabama have already suffered fatal wounds after attempting to hide pistols within the warm and safe confines of their rectums.