For over five decades, Americans have used “Dixie Cups” to hold their coffee or beverages during parties or from dispensers in vending machines and water coolers. Now, during today’s war on everything deemed “confederate” or “morally offensive”, the Dixie company has announced this week that it’s caving in to activist pressure, and rebranding itself and it’s products with the new moniker : “Diversity.”
Diversity Cups will being rolling out their new multi-colored look within the next three months, confirms Cup Design Specialist Sandy Batt. Meant to show representation and support for all colors and creeds of Americans, the new cups will come with an ad campaign, featuring celebrities of different racial backgrounds drinking together from a single container. Some pairings include Deadpool actor Ryan Reynolds and Oprah Winfrey, Samuel Jackson with Lucy Lui, and Chris Martin of Coldplay with an as yet unknown celeb who doesn’t sing like a pussy.
The company dropped the word “Dixie”, following an anti-confederate trend. The word itself comes from the practice of Confederate soldiers when surrendering to their union victors attempting to remove their dicks from their pants before urinating on their uniforms. Across battlefields, the pathetic losers were often heard shouting : “Everybody get your dixies out before y’all piss y’alls selves!” Some Trump supporting old condom accidents still practice this tradition today.
Stories about how the company came to take the name in the first place vary. Some say the first cup was used by General Bragg of the army of Tennessee who thought to coat the inside with a light layer of wax in order to masturbate with it during a charge. Others believe they came from tiny wood elves who used them as tents to hide in during the Inquisition. Whatever the case, another great American institution has been destroyed. Thanks, Obama.