Pope Francis Calls to Deny Trump Supporters Communion


It’s not much of a secret that Pope Francis is not a fan of President Donald Trump.  The pontiff has been a long standing “old school” brand of Christian religious leader, calling to help the poor and sick and welcome the stranger into your own land.  In other words, the very moralistic opposite of Trump, who values money and ego boosting over human life and turmoil, and is about as Christian as Anton LaVey.

LaVey, pictured here posing for the cover of his harmonica tribute to Rush’s 2112 album.

It seems like Francis has decided to put his money where millions of mouths are, and has called for churches worldwide to begin denying Holy Communion rites to any members of their flock who support the policies and attitudes of the American President, calling them “abhorrent”.  Joe Barron of the Vatican’s Godular Investigation Force repeated a statement from the Holy See:

“Those who follow behind the great beast that shouts lies into the wind of the spirit, that replaces the soul with the wallet, and treats the woman as less than equal shall not be blessed with the body or the blood of Christ the king.  Until the unfit among the heretics can admit to themselves that they have fallen in with a demonic false prophet and halfwitted failure, they shall not be saved nor shall they find respite in the embrace of God.  Also, whoever has a white Toyota Celica, license plate ITLNSTALN, your headlights are on.”

“And for God’s sake, can someone get Roger Stone out of here before he bursts into flame?”

Dozens of American religious figures have taken umbridge at the order, calling it “over the top”, and “insulting.”  Televangelist and grandma whisperer Joel Osteen has pledged to provide wine and wafer anyway, albeit with an additional “worship fee” added.  It’s a small price to pay to at least pretend to be in the Lord’s grace.

About Fallis Gunnington 169 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

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