New Facebook Rules On ‘Friending’

Time to show some love

By now you’ve probably received the notice from Facebook regarding the new Friendship Rules. And if you’re like me, you read them and thought to  yourself, “It’s about time!”

Aimed at discouraging “friend collectors” – those people who want simply to increase their number of Facebook friends but could not care less about actually knowing people – the new rules are strict and seek to mimic real life friendships. Facebook Director of Decreasing Annoyance and Fragility, Satay Martin, explains why this came about :

”I work for Facebook. That means I get many friend requests. I once naively thought that all who requested actually wanted to befriend me, to get to know me.

Facebook friends will be required to provide cover stories on request to hide adulterous affairs.

Then one day, I saw an  invitation to a barbeque from one of my friends, Eileen. She’s a leg amputee. I read that on her profile. She has 10,000 friends. I figured she was a loving person and this would be a great party.

I got to Eileen’s house that Saturday and I was having a great time.  When I finally met Eileen, she offered me some chicken with a brown sauce. She said it was Thai. She guaranteed I’d enjoy it.

I took one bite and my throat began to close up. By the time I reach for my EpiPen and injected myself, my eyes were bulging out of my head.

The sauce had peanuts in it! I’m allergic to peanuts! Eileen didn’t even know that! That’s the only thing it says on my bio! If she’d read it, she’d know!

She wasn’t my friend at all.”

The new rules are many  but some highlights include:

  • If you friend someone on Facebook, you are obligated to put them up in your home if they come to your town.
  • You will be obligated to invest in their great new business venture ideas upon request.
  • And- you must be available anytime of night to receive drunken, weepy phone calls complaining about his or her significant other.
Another rule will be to be to give rides home to drunk friends and listen to them weep “I love you, man” for the entire length of the trip.

Users will be contractually bound to these conditions. Anyone reported to have violated them will have their accounts removed.







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I refused to evolve and wrote fake news for cash, so I got fired.

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