Nancy Pelosi Thrown Out of Church for ‘Drinking Straight Vodka’ at 11 AM

Nancy Pelosi was expelled from the 2nd Baptist Church of San Dimas this morning when she was discovered drinking “straight vodka” from a Poland Springs water bottle. Pelosi, who is well-known for having a visible bottle of clear liquid — presumably water — made a huge mistake this time.

Her publicist, who she fired directly after the incident in a drunken rage, gave a statement via Snapchat that has since disappeared:

“Today Speaker Pelosi made a huge mistake. Not the vodka disguised as water. She does that every day. Today the issue was the bottle. You can not go to a Democrat place like San Dimas drinking a Nestle product. This is rookie stuff. Some activist slapped the bottle from her hand and her grandson was splashed in the eye.

Luckily, the vodka was Ketel One and free from the impurities of common brands.”

Pelosi’s pastor said she won’t be welcome back to the church that she’s been attending since 1982. Three of her 11 daughters were baptized there. The wedding of Wayne and Cassandra nearly happened there. It is a place steeped in history and without scandal. “We’d like to keep it that way,” said Reverend Bob.

Pelosi was sent home where she can hopefully get some counseling and reflect on her failures as a politician.

About Flagg Eagleton 42 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.