Activist Group Wants Mount Rushmore Renamed


First it was the textbooks.  Then, the statues and military bases.  Now the touchy-feely liberal left is coming after our national monuments.  Mount Rushmore, named after Confederate General Garrett Rushmore, is the familiar site of the carved stone faces of four American President’s, visited by millions every year.  But will as many tourists travel across the country to see : “Mount Boykin”?

This guy. Besides being an inventor, he also helped to land the first airplanes by signalling with glares from his enormous forehead.

Otis Boykin was an African American inventor, responsible for a number of advances in electrical resistance and most notably, the development of the pacemaker, a heartbeat governance device used to keep thousands of human beings alive as well as one Dick Cheney.  But does Boykin deserve to blanket over General Rushmore?  Joe Barron of the Target Optical Department who sold me my contacts explains:

“Rushmore really wasn’t that great of a commander, historically.  The legend goes that he lost Virginia to the Yankees because he had been partial to wearing women’s clothing in battle and refused to take a mud-covered hill in a pair of pretty white shoes.  He also ordered his men to sneak across the Mississippi river to surprise northern troops stationed on the opposite bank.  He had been in Nevada at the time.  Anyway, yeah, if we named a dildo with an exploded battery inside after him it would be more than he actually deserved.”

Rushmore eventually came to a tragic end by trying to organize a game of Marco Polo in the Florida Everglades.

The question is, will America accept the name change?  What of the trumptard cult, who can’t manage to get over not having the loser rag at a racetrack?  Sure, making Thor female in the comics was a huge flop.  But making Nick Fury black in the movies was a big hit.  Maybe the time has come to let Miles Morales be Spider Man, Melissa McCarthy be a Ghostbuster, and let a tired southern General rest in favor of a newer, darker king of the mountain.

About Fallis Gunnington 169 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

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