Medal of Honor Vet : ‘I Wish a Different President Gave it To Me’


Lieutenant Duane Hicks was the latest honored American veteran to receive the Congressional Medal of Honor.  Just this week, in a solemn and patriotic ceremony, President Trump presented the Afghanistan war vet with the award for his “unbelievable courage, not getting shot, saving some guys, and whatever.”  Hicks shook the Commander in Chief’s hand, bowed to a thankful crowd, and later, gave a startling statement to a crowd of gathered media :

“I’m very honored to have received this great courtesy.  I just…you know…kind of wish a different President could have given it to me.”

This guy would have given it to you with a bag of peanuts even.

“Like…i know, it’s the honor, not the presentation that really matters, but I feel like if there’s ever a gathering of all the guys who have one of these things, it’s gonna be like : ‘Oh, Reagan said I was a hero!’  ‘Ooh, it was great to shake President Clinton’s hand.’  ‘President Obama was super cool!’  And when I say Trump gave me mine, they’re all gonna laugh and make fun of me.  I know I would.  I’d boot me in the balls and call me a poor bastard. “

Hicks, the second veteran to be decorated by Trump shares a common complaint with his predecessor, Navy Captain Lewis Albano:

“I get how he feels.  I led a Seal team into an Al Queda compound to rescue thirteen kids under heavy gunfire, and I get the Medal from an overweight shitty t.v. show host with syphilis breath?  I’d feel better if they even let Pelosi do it or something.  I tried to put it on EBay, but after the word ‘Trump’, no bids.  None.  Kind of a letdown.”

The Captain was also not too happy that the Goonies managed to escape from the gas station in a chase that makes less sense now than it did then.

The Medal is one of the highest honors any member of the military can be given.  We’ll see what the future holds for the next hero decorated by President Trump before he is impeached and reduced to pouring Slurpees for 8 dollars an hour to get his adderall.

About Fallis Gunnington 171 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

Be the first to comment