Malia Obama Busted Selling Priceless White House Trinkets She Stole While Living There

A multi-state investigation in cooperation with the White House Historical Artifact Enforcement Division of the Secret Service is about to conclude with the indictment of Malia Obama, according to our sources. Larry and Bob, two guys working inside the task force, spent more than three months tracking down artifacts being sold at exclusive auction houses and online black market dealers. According to Larry:

“We found a trail of illegal sales of White House trinkets starting in about April of 2017. In the past two years, we linked those items to reports of missing historical pieces reported by White House staff during the Obama administration. All of the pieces are small enough to be smuggled out.”

This bedpan was placed under Abraham Lincoln to catch him crapping himself as he died. It sold for $2.6 million.

That means that even at a young age, Malia Obama was plotting future crimes; hoarding stolen goods for sale down the road. According to Bob, there’s far more to it than that:

“Malia wasn’t just stealing things to steal them. She was mentored at that age by Hillary Clinton, who was Secretary of State when the girl was just 11-years-old. Hillary molded her into a criminal by teaching her to abandon her morals in favor of what’s good for ‘the people.’ She’s been a trained Clinton Foundation operative since she turned 16, and was activated the day she left home to go to Harvard.”

Nancy Reagan’s Yoga Pants originally fetched nearly $200K but were returned after someone “much bigger than Nancy” stretched them out.

It’s all true, according to our sources at the black market. Shifty Pete, the infamous drug dealer from Maine, says he and D Money got their start with Malia’s ill-gotten gains:

“Yeah, we made a bunch of money. We sold stuff two or three times. The total take was about $6 million. She gave us $6K and a bag of weed.”

 

Betty Ford hid prescription morphine and nips of single malt in this 13th-Century Albanian Teapot. It sold for $890K

According to our sources at Obama Watchers, the story is true. In true Clinton Foundation fashion, Malia took the cash from the trinkets and gave it to “poor” villages in Yemen and Sudan ravaged by wars they have nothing to do with. She pocketed a pretty penny, too, and secured her place as a Foundation Agent:

“It was more of a test than anything. We’ll all be seeing a lot more of Malia Obama.”

Yes….I would venture to say that’s true.

About Flagg Eagleton 59 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.