Batt Sands, Arizona : A group of fifty to sixty students dressed in sinister clothing took to Reynolds Square at the center of the University of Arizona’s Baggerland campus and savagely began tearing down a 1300 pound carved marble statue of General Douglas MacArthur this afternoon, leading afterwards to a scene of chaos and noise. The statue had stood on the campus for over sixty years since it’s placement by former Dean John Guluv.
The students identified as a mix of the campus Democratic club, Antifa, and a few guys who had left their dorm after a Netflix subscription expired and everyone blamed Harvey “Fartman” Farmer for not putting a lousy fifteen bucks on his PayPal MasterCard, which the other guys had told him to do a week ago and now nobody can see that new Adam Sandler thing, dickhead.
Fox News host Sean Hannity sent one of his fluffers to the scene of the consternation to ask the angry youths what, exactly, they had against one of America’s biggest military legends:
Harry Balsonya, sophomore : “Alls I know about him I learned from that Medal of Honor game where you blast people in a soccer field in the Philippines.
Shay Verpussi, senior : “He was just, like, another violent American fascist doing what he was told by the Man. Omigod, I got grass all over my Birkenstocks.”
Benoit Bawled, sophomore : “My mom showed me that MacArthur movie where he was a rich little drunk guy all day trying to bang that mermaid lady from Splash. He was okay. Didn’t need no statue though.”
Wilma Fingerdoo, junior : “I super needed something woke for my Instagram. My roommate has like a thousand likes on her pic of when she met one of the Blue Man Group in Vegas. He wasn’t even blue, tho. She blew him, imho. Lol!”
Campus security forces have been on alert all day, but so far there haven’t been any injuries and only the statue has been damaged. Administration officials are looking into possible refund from the sculptor shall they decide to return.