Kenosha Prosecutor Charges Mrs. Rittenhouse With Accessory to Murder

It’s official, patriots. The Kenosha DA has gone completely insane. His office has just announced that they’re charging Roxanne Rittenhouse, 57, Rittenhouse’s mom, with being an accessory to murder.

According to a statement by spokesman Art Tubolls, the charges were always going to happen:

“It doesn’t matter if Kyle is guilty, not guilty, or – tehe – ‘innocent.’ His mom dropped an idiot off in what she expected to be a war zone, and people died. Since we’ve already proven that random stupidity is legal, even if you instigate it, we’re going to prove that being an accessory that caused all of it is not.”

Rittenmom’s lawyer, Joe Barron, says he looks forward to trying this case:

I’ve already given her specific instructions. Take the stand and repeat after me: ‘if kyle didn’t shoot him he would have taken his gun and killed my son.’ Guaranteed aquittal. It might take a few days to convinvce the black juror, but once they see they won’t be seeing their kids anytime soon because nobody is gonna admit white people did anything wrong in open court, all will be well”

That right there is how you win cases, patriots. Mrs. Rittenhouse says she’ll turn herself in after Thanksgiving. The patriotic police of Kenosha have said they won’t go get her. Not just because she lives in another state, either. For other reasons.

God bless America.

About Flagg Eagleton-Patriot 178 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.

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