Pelosi’s ‘Health Monitors’ Enforcing Masks in Churches

OH MY GOD!

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is nothing if not thorough.  While many individual state governors have chosen not to enforce mandates for the wearing of masks to protect Americans against the  Coronavirus pandemic that President Trump allowed to cause chaos in the country, she’s still using her authority to butt in where she feels it’s necessary.  Even if that means your house of worship.

Unless you’re a Klingon sending a brave warrior off to Stovalkor. Nobody’s gonna get in your way.

Months ago, the Speaker developed a department working under Homeland Security to monitor the use of masks across the country by civilians.  These “mask monitors” have led some local authorities to warnings, fines, and even arrests.

Now that basic spycraft has led to churches, where many, including the Joe Barron Institute of The Sweet Holy Scrotum feel it isn’t welcome, movements have risen against the monitors, which has only led speaker Pelosi to order tougher crackdowns.  Reports have funneled in from mostly ridiculous internet sources like “Lifesitenews” and Breitbart of shadowy groups of black-clad figures wearing Darth Vader-esque helmets and white “Frankie Say Relax” t-shirts entering houses of the Lord and threatening worshippers with nunchuks to wear face coverings.

Pelosi contends that these measures may seem extreme, but there still exists a subset of pea-brained whiny Trump botched that feel their “rights” are somehow “violated” by being asked to help protect their countrymen from agonizing death.  Some even go to incredibly pussified lengths of pretending the paper masks “hurt” them somehow, as if their faces suddenly became fragile paper-thin soap bubbles filled with stupid gas.

This Los Angeles surgeon claims he can fix that by simply slapping your ass silly.

Is it possible to praise the Lord and socially distance safely in a small confined space filled with mostly elderly people, the main target group of the pandemic?  The answer is no.  But it won’t stop the stubbornly misguided and true believers of everything they read on the internet from forcing Pelosi’s pimp hand to bitchslap.  Thoughts and prayers.

About Fallis Gunnington 142 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

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