Clinton Diagnosed with Tumor


Former first lady, Secretary of state, senator, and presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton has had a long and adventurous life in the public eye.  Outdoing Donald Trump by millions of votes in the 2016 election, the plucky politician has resigned herself to retired life as an author, grandmother, and entrepreneur.  Unfortunately, some bad news from her personal physician last week may add “paperweight” to that list.

“Paperweight” is also on the list of things Mike Pence’s mother won’t let him rub down his pants.

According to Dr. Sandra Batt of the Queef Hills Medical Center in Western Blumpkinia, Clinton’s latest checkup returned a troubling series of X-rays, indicating what appears to be a medium-sized tumor in the midichlorian lobe of her brain.  The veteran physician admits that the position of the mass as well as it’s solid construction of pure natural Corinthian leather constitute an alarming and immediate danger to the life of the Beloved Belle of Benghazi.

An alternate diagnosis, however, by Dr. Carol Marcus of UFP starbase 12 offers a stranger but more optimistic outlook.

“Mrs. Clinton has a pre-existing condition due to her family’s Scottish ancestry being predisposed to factors stemming from a clan of highlanders in the early 16th century.  What I believe Hillary is experiencing is a process known medically as : ‘The Quickening.’  It is the natural progression of her immortal existence reacting to the sudden arrival of others of her similar physiology to the earth, causing a resurgence of her brain’s evolution to prepare her to find, battle, and slay any and all other pretenders to The Prize.  The tumor is rewriting her body’s genetic makeup while simultaneously playing Queen music into her aural receptors and building inherent skills in sword-based combat.  It’s really quite remarkable.  Where’d my son go?  He was right here.”

“I’m right here ma! I’m just going out with my friends to a Genesis concert or something. Don’t tell dad!”

Clinton is expected to be able to live and function normally for the near future, but is under a moderate security watch and will be hastily transported to the nearest spacious parking garage, should The Kurgan be spotted within close proximity.

About Fallis Gunnington 186 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

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