Malia Obama didn’t leave the White House empty-handed. According to reports from sources that may or may not be reliable, Malia has made her way through Harvard — on the taxpayer’s dime.
No, she isn’t getting free money from the government, but she is selling our treasured history. According to reports from Obama Watchers:
“Malia has been selling stuff all over the world and giving the money to the Clinton Foundation. In return, they pay for her tuition and the money is effectively laundered. She has also been systematically filling orders Hillary couldn’t fill herself. Apparently, once Trump won, she gave Malia — and possibly Sasha — a list of things she wasn’t able to get herself while she was First Lady.
In return, the girls are guaranteed to be fast-tracked into the Clinton Crime Syndicate as lieutenants. That’s easily a $5 million a year job.”
Interpol has recovered one of the stolen artifacts but has been unable to trace it to Malia. The main problem, according to detective Pierre le Pieux, is that they can’t figure out how she moved it:
“The piece is a solid soapstone carving of Washington crossing the Delaware that Washington himself ordered on his first day in the White House. It weighs nearly 800 pounds. We have to figure out how she did it, as the White House hasn’t reported the piece stolen.”
The working theory is that Malia managed to have the piece replicated and replaced before she moved out. Since it’s a piece from the residence, nobody but family would have had access to it. One of our least reliable but most prolific sources says that Malia was dating a young sculptor in high school. Coincidence?
Checkmate, Malia Obama. Your years of crime sprees are coming to an end. Just as soon as the French link you to the theft of the Hope Diamond from Jackie Kennedy’s music box, you’ll be in a bunch of trouble and we’ll all sit back and watch like it’s slapstick.