Ihlan Omar Proposes Nationwide Ban on ‘Unhealthy and Immoral’ Bacon

Newly elected Congresswoman Ihlan Omar has proposed a nationwide ban on something…unheard of. Bacon. The pork product bagel sandwiches are built on. The staple of the American soldier, and the most recognizable smell at Shoney’s breakfast buffet.

Ihlan Omar wants to take your bacon away. She says it’s for our own good; that our health depends on it. She also says the way we keep and slaughter pigs is immoral and needs to be addressed. Unfortunately, we know that this is just another case of Musslamic Shakira Law in action. The Quaran says:

“Only the American Infidel Eats Bacon, and he Shall Pay the Ultimate Price Before Allahu.”

That sounds like a threat, doesn’t it? It says that. I swear.

Omar’s people put out a statement that walked back her attack on bacon a bit:

“No…you idiots. We should consider rethinking how much we eat for our own health and ‘yous wants to take mah baconz’ are two completely different things. You heard it wrong, you then turned it into bullhonkey propaganda. I said bacon isn’t good for you. I don’t eat it. I also said, three days earlier, that slaughterhouses mistreat animals. They do.

I was told there would be a lot of twisting and ignorance but I have to say…the level is a bit upsetting.”

Oh, ok sure. Now it’s all our fault because of things you said. Try to remember, Omar — a person can always be judged by what they say.

Mitch McConnell says Omar’s ridiculous bill to tear bacon from the arms of Americans — especially our soldiers who rely on it for a taste of home — was dead before she even presented it. Omar reminded him that there was no bill, just an opinion. McConnell said her insolence may be cause for impeachment.

About Flagg Eagleton 60 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.