Hillary : ‘If I Were President, This Wouldn’t Have Happened’


Since her failed bid for President in 2016, Hillary Clinton has behaved a lot like a pet dog in Alabama – she only comes out to eat or when there’s a loud noise.  Now, it seems that after the publication of a best-selling book, the former First Lady, Secretary of State, and Senator has gotten some wits about her and feels the need to critique *President Donald Trump about his performance so far with special attention going to his bungled pandemic response and resulting thousands of American deaths.

Although, in 5 months of 2020 alone, nine Americans have perished attempting to autopsy Stretch Armstrongs who became enraged and strangled them with their elastic feet.

During an interview with Joe Barron of the Queefington Times-Review last week, the Grandmother Who Terrifies Trumpblubbers let loose on a tirade describing an alternate timeline:

“First of all, I wouldn’t have been a jealous little pussyboy of President Obama and crucified the Affordable Care Act, dooming millions of citizens to health care hell.  That’s for sure.  Second, when several of America’s intelligence agencies and international watchdogs informed me that a virus had broken out, instead of ignoring them or calling people who have protected the country for decades ‘crooked’, I would have done what the ridiculously superior Obama did during the Ebola outbreak, which is immediately send response teams to ground zero to prevent it from going anywhere, period.  No pretending to shut down air travel.  No ‘it’ll go away by itself.’  No pandemic.  If it were me, millions worldwide would still be alive because someone who had experience and intelligence would have lead.  Sorry.  But it’s the truth.  Now we have to wear masks because of, and I’m sorry, a handicapped old bumbledick with a Napolean complex.”

Clinton also brought up Trump’s “drain the swamp” promise, noting that he appointed more than 180 professional Washington lobbyists to key positions in his administration, and described his failed border wall project as : “an unfunny attempt at building a Wile E. Coyote cartoon gimmick in real life to satisfy his following of backwards racist cantaloupe humpers.”

According to church statistics, cantaloupes are the leading cause of divorce in both Alabama and Kentucky.

Many are concluding that the shocking interview is a definite answer to the musical question : “Who let the Hilldawg out?”  And that answer, like the same solution to the query : “What happens when herpes, dementia, and morbid obesity converge together in one plump bag of dumbjuice?”  As always, that answer is Donald J. Trump.


About Fallis Gunnington 171 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

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