It’s Saturday morning, and Hillary Clinton is dead. She isn’t hanging on to dear life so we can kill her later and make more money; she is actually just dead.
Here’s a timeline of things that did not happen that have been previously reported, just so we’re all on the same page:
- Hillary wasn’t in Russia finalizing Uranium One when she was dragged off by wolves. That’s just absurd.
- Bill wasn’t arrested for another discovery of shallow graves on some piece of land he used to own in Arkansas.
- Climate change is real.
Ignore any other postings about these issues, as we have your best interests in mind, giving you the only information necessary to muckle through your day.
So the real story is that Hillary, not being able to mind her own business, was walking by the men’s locker room when she heard two very fine people, we’re sure, talking about grabbing pussies and what they like to do next. Clinton reportedly went berserk. According to the lube attendant, Art Tubolls:
“She got this look on her face and ran out. About 10 minutes later she game back screaming, ran through the door to tackle the men, who were already gone, and slammed her head into one of the lockers.”
The coroner says blunt force trauma of that nature on a woman that old would be about the same as a healthy person hitting at 15 MPH.
Nobody has been charged with a crime.