Pelosi Signs Bill Requiring Gloves to Be Worn Nationwide

OH BOY.

As the covid-19 pandemic shows little sign of slowing it’s terrible crawl through every state in the union, lawmakers and governors alike have reached a desperation point.  Even with mandatory mask laws, the number of deniers who refuse the face coverings, even though it’s been made clear that it’s for the safety of their country continues to grow, and now, it’s at the point where more steps are legally required.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has signed congressional bill D2112 which, when it activates at the beginning of next week, will require all citizens visiting a public place of business or area where more than six people are present, to don protective rubber or plastic gloves as well as the previously required face mask.  No provision is afforded to “opt out” for any reason, be it for allergy or “religious objection.”  From now on, Americans will mask and glove up or they will face a fine and/or jail sentence.

“Ja, with exception of me, because I teleport, ja. Wait. Why am I not popular X-Man? Is Hitler accent, ja? So sensitive, Yankees. So sensitive.”

Pelosi’s Chief of Stuff Joe Barron explained that this step was made necessary by those not intelligent enough to manage the first steps of the protective plan in the first place.

“All those Karens who went screaming about not being able to breathe in a paper mask?  All you fake patriots who think Soros and Gates are trying to chip you and piss off Trump?  All of you crying about your ‘rights’ and ‘freedoms’ and drooling your toxic snot trails down the adult diaper aisle at Wal-Mart?  This was all you.  No more chances, no ridiculous exemptions or temper tantrums.  You will wear a mask and a pair of gloves to protect your country and it’s people from dying, or you will be prosecuted and put away.  It’s that simple.  You can’t fix stupid.  But you can throw it in a hazmat cell.”

And if that happens, who will teach your teabagger children how to play the theme from the Dukes of Hazzard?

The Speaker’s glove bill has a no-tolerance policy written in, so that legally, no excuse for skirting the law will be so much as entertained by law enforcement officials, who have been advised to use force if necessary to arrest offenders.  America – it’s time to grow up and pull on those hand condoms.

About Fallis Gunnington 142 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

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