Border Patrol Finds Boxes of Ballots in AZ Tunnel


Election 2020 is long in the taillights, with all votes counted, all lawsuits dismissed, and all results confirmed, making Joe Biden and Kamala Harris the new leaders of the United States.  However some people still believe that magical unicorns will float down from the stratosphere and grant Donald Trump his delirious wish to remain in power.

The cult that Trump built continues to dog paddle behind it’s bulbous gasbag of a failed and incompetent leader, moaning out mantras like : “Da numbers don’t add up!” and “Dere’s more votes than peoples!”, despite zero evidence to these ridiculous claims.

Top that off with delusions that Mike Pence can somehow turn it around on the 6th, or that the mysterious “Q” will rise with it’s Kraken sword, and what you have is a parade of mentally ill vats of diarrhea.

“Y’all can call us stupid, but we’ll be the ones humping the sexy watermelons at the party! Whoo!”

However a new wrinkle has come to light, thanks to the diligence of border patrol officer Joe Barron.  The eagle-eyed sentinel had been investigating tunnels running under the line with Mexico, and found one such passage into the basement of a Bed, Bath, and Beyond outlet in an Arizona strip mall, choked with hundreds of boxes of mail-in ballots.  All in Spanish.

Does the discovery indicate the interference in the election that Trump creams himself over on a daily basis?  We asked legal expert Kenny Doanal for his opinion.

“I’ll go ahead and quote Hillary Clinton here as I say : ‘What difference, at this point, does it make?’  The election is over.  Remember when they stopped the recount in Florida with Al Gore and called it for Bush? Guess what.  After the fact, they found out he actually won.  But nothing was done.  Too late.  Same here.  If this tunnel and those boxes exist, and they don’t, it wouldn’t matter.  The curtain has fallen.  Old Yeller has died.  Luke came by and picked up baby Yoda, spoiler alert.  It’s done.”

“If I don’t get to ride in the car from ‘Corvette Summer’, I’m running away, Jedi or no.”

Undaunted by the false hope, Presidential lawyer and cousin porker Rudy Guliani has volunteered to spend most of January inside the structure doing research and masturbating to videos of the Saw movies.  Perhaps there’s still a dingleberry of hope after all.

About Fallis Gunnington 169 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

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