Pelosi And Mattis to Reopen Russia Investigation

UNBELIEVABLE!

Many of us remember the two years of unsettling anxiety that America went through while special investigator Robert Mueller conducted a lengthy investigation to determine if, how, and when the Russian government collided with the Trump campaign to influence an American Presidential election.  His findings, of course, concluded that Soviet influence was indeed present and aided the campaign, but was inconclusive about whether or not Trump’s staffers aided the activity, mostly inferring that they had, but leaving any punishment to Congress and the Senate who dropped the ball and allowed criminal activity to stand.

Although most of Trump’s criminal activity is done seated due to his morbid obesity.

Now after the surprise revelation by former Secretary of Defense “Mad Dog’ Mattis that he stands in opposition to Donald Trump’s incompetent and embarrassingly pandering failure of leadership, Pelosi has recruited the decorated four-star General to back her up as she begins efforts to reopen the investigation and this time, prosecute the guilty parties.   Mattis told Joe Barron of the military’s Bullets and Queefs magazine why he can be of great assistance.

“You don’t even knA ow the half of what I prevented him from doing already when I was SecDef.  I’m well aware of how unhinged and downright stupid Trump is.  I had to talk him down from bombing Micronesia because he though it sounded like ‘micropenis’.  He wanted to paint a mural of Sammy Davis Jr. on the White House because he thought it would get him the black vote.  Can you imagine?  Anyway, we all know the Russians handed him the election because we just don’t have that many stupid idiots in this country.  We just don’t.  I dont take kindly to having the Russians dictate to me.  So it’s on.”

“It is ON! WHOO! FREEBIRD!”

Both Pelosi and Mattis have filed the necessary paperwork, with Congress appropriating over a zillion dollars for the investigation.  Looks like it’s Mueller time again – only with a Mad Dog.

About Fallis Gunnington 142 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

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