French Secret Service Investigating Leftist Terrorists for Notre Dame Fire

Police in Paris have been focused on trying to figure out who threw a cigarette on a roof at Notre Dame, leading to a catastrophic fire. What they don’t know is that the country’s version of the Secret Service, Tu Es Bête, is focused on more nefarious theories.

According to lead agent Arteur Tubolleault:

“We believe that globalism-loving leftists planned this from the beginning. They see the church as a place where our ‘Sky Daddy’ presides over evil men who rule half the world’s wealth and most of their souls through fear. They think the church is responsible for moral corruption through power and greed. They think the church is guilty of covering for pedophiles, rapists, and serial killers.

They are atheists, after all. What better way to make a statement than by destroying a priceless piece of architecture?”

It’s a plausible theory. President Trump has already dedicated as many firemen and water planes as we have in the area and will work together with the French authorities to “root out and end” this leftist threat.

French President Macron, who doesn’t want to look bad in front of liberals, says that the French don’t need planes and that the water would likely destroy half the city and kill a thousand people or so, but he appreciates the gesture. As for the church, the Cathedral has an insured value of $400 billion. They’ll manage.

We’ll keep you updated on this developing story.

About Flagg Eagleton-Patriot 178 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.