By Ted H. McGinley with Fallis Gunnington
America’s greatest chicken chain for the conservative and Christian, Chik-Fil-A, has partnered with President Trump this week to thank all of their supporters for honoring the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ on the Christmas holiday by handing out free chicken sandwiches to anyone on Thursday to anyone who comes into a franchise wearing a MAGA hat, Trump shirt, or can demonstrate a social media page with a profile photo depicting fealty to the President.
The promotion will last only the length of the day, and is limited to one sandwich per guest. The sandwiches will be 1/50 the normal sized fare, approximately the size of a Trumper’s miniscule brain, or a tic-tac. Each will be made with Chik-Fil-A’s trademarked “Shitchicken”, a chicken-like byproduct made with sawdust, ground beaver meat, and centipede milk.
Spokespeople for the chain admit that the move will lose approximately five thousand dollars for the stockholders, but are assured that the resulting advertising boost will follow into the end-of-year profit margin, allowing many, including 20% owner Lindsey Graham to continue their lavish lifestyles of covering the asses of male prostitutes with boysenberry syrup during breakfast picnics and and using 100-dollar bills as genital manipulation gloves.
Although everything about this free promotion is entirely fictional, it will be interesting to see how many old Trump dumpers screaming about “libs wanting free stuff” will waddle off urine-stained La-Z boys to go and get free stuff.