After Clintons Meet With Judge, Epstein Gets Probation


If you’ve been following the news on the case of Jeffrey Epstein, you know the sordid details that the supposed hedge-fund manager is accused of : counts of providing underage women as sexual slaves to scores of famous men, including Donald Trump, Dick Cheney, and entertainer Phil Collins.  Some people say Bill Clinton was also on that list.  Well, it looks like those some people may have been some kind of balls-on right.

Late actor Abe Vigoda was not on any list, but is suspected of sending a nice shrimp cocktail platter.

Adjudicator Judge Hammond Dixcheeze was set to deliberate on Epstein’s possible bail amount this Monday, when several witnesses saw former President Bill Clinton enter his chambers for a private chat.  One hour later, Clinton exited, and the judge announced that the accused would not require any bail payment and would be simply set free on probation.  Sound suspicious?  That’s because it smells funnier than Mike Pence’s underpants during a Backstreet Boys concert.

“Aaand that made him laaaarger than life!”

Why was anyone, let alone a suspect thought by many ravenous teabaggers to be involved in the case, even allowed to enter the courtroom and secure a private meeting?  Baliff Jon Guluv explained :

“Mr. and Mrs. Clinton just came right in.  I was a little scared, you know?  What, was I supposed to stop them and end up in a ditch somewhere?  You’ve seen the Sopranos.  If Paulie or that guy from Springsteen’s band want to take you for a ride in the woods, you don’t go.  That’s what it felt like.”

Once again, intimidation is what the Clinton hit squad uses to get things done.  And now they’ve set a monster on the loose.

Just like this. That boy needs a mommy, dude.
About Fallis Gunnington 171 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

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