Caught By I.C.E. – Illegal DMV Employee Who Registered Thousands of ‘Voters’


It certainly seems like President Trump’s most recent I.C.E. push has started off with a bang – one that may effect California’s voter rolls.  The agency has confirmed that an undocumented citizen was arrested this morning leaving her workplace, an office of the Department of Motor Vehicles.  According to preliminary interrogators, Maria Alonso Esteban Papasfritas has already registered thousands of applicants to vote in the primaries and 2020 general election.

The woman, who identified herself as a citizen of Mexico, has been living in the United States for over six years with the assumed name “Tiffany Caucasia”, and has been employed for the last year and a half by the Department.  DMV management is denying that they had any knowledge of Papasfritas’s immigration status, and maintains that she had the proper paperwork when she applied.  However, state law in California requires only a mailing address and supermarket discount card in order to be hired for a job, which might be the subject of my next article, now that I think of it.

Trump putting himself in danger
I was going to do one about Trump stealing money from a Hair Club for Men charity, but it seemed too realistic.

Agents have already requested all of La Chameleona’s registration records from the office, and will comb through them looking for possible illegally registered individuals.  At first glance, officials have noticed that nearly all of the applicants to her window appear to have declared as Democrats.  Should they be found in question, operatives will flag the flawed paperwork, excise the names from the voting rolls, and immediately head to the Governor’s mansion with the intention of getting Gavin Newsom’s autograph for their wives, because he’s a damn fine looking man.

“Ivanka calls me twice a day. She says I’m like her James Bond, because she’s got to B ON my D.”

During questioning, the woman admitted that she had made her way across the border during the Obama administration by hiding inside a crate labelled : “Every Shitty Album By Phil Collins”, ensuring that it would receive the least attention during inspection.  Doesn’t it just seem a little too coincidental that this kind of criminal happened to prance in under Obama’s watch?  Try not to look too surprised.

About Fallis Gunnington 186 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

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