Pelosi Reveals Plan to ‘Ration’ Social Security


During a press conference called from the Congressional media room yesterday, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi made an announcement regarding the future of the shaky status of America’s current Social Security funding.  Her newest plan may not sit well with those senior recipients who abhor the concept of socialized distribution.

Then again, the majority of you extras from the Hills Have Eyes movies can’t even spell it.

Pelosi’s plan requires a form of rationing, where a 12-person appointed “panel” will determine payout according to the recipients perceived “need”.  For example, someone older, say in their 80’s and living alone with a single pet would get a smaller payment amount per month than a former health care worker of a lower age who could still find more “enjoyment” with the money.  The panel will send use information obtained by social media, credit reports, and testimony of friends and relatives to determine worthiness.

Who, exactly, would make up this panel is still to be determined, but Sandy Batt of the Baggerville Queefstitute for Ball Enlargement gave us her guess:

“I’m assuming at least 2 people from Facebook to surf senior pages and find information, shopping habits, meal preferences, that sort of stuff.  Then a few from credit companies to trace purchasing habits in order to find waste that could be eliminated from the individual’s budget.  No more free trips to the beauty parlor, ladies.  At least a few to effectively spy on neighbors and family to get more secretive information.  And probably a monetary expert like George Soros.  It’s all going to be very safe and logical.”

“Safe and logical” describes exactly how Donald Trump has never banged a prosritute.

Knowing her past dubious relationship with Social Security, do you trust Nancy Pelosi to make the right choices regarding how much of your own money is returned to you?  Make sure to alert your congressman right now and fart as hard as you can over the phone!

About Fallis Gunnington 169 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

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