Cocaine Returns To Coke

After experiencing lagging sales in recent years, the Coca-Cola Company has made a decision to return to their roots.

On July 4, 2020, cocaine will once again be in the ingredient list of Coke.  When the beverage first appeared on the market, it was sold as an elixir, the cocaine being the main “medicinal” property within. One could say that it was the original energy drink. It will marketed as such once again.

It’s been over a century, but the most popular Coca-Cola ever is back.(nah. Just kidding)

Coca-Cola Bottling’s spokesman, Lauren Perrine, explains how this decision came about :

”The soft drink market has collapsed in recent years. People find them unhealthy or some crap. Meanwhile, energy drink sales – which is infinitely less healthy a choice – have soared. People are dumb.

The energy drink market is already over saturated with very similar choices containing largely the same ingredients. We intend to separate ourselves from the pack with our offering.

The exact amounts to be added have not been specified.

We are confident that we will soon own the energy drink market. Once people try original Coke, they will keep coming back for more. Soon consumers will want our drink more than anything.”

Somehow, the company has managed to bypass the illegality of inserting a controlled substance into their goods.   How this became possible is as yet unknown.

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I refused to evolve and wrote fake news for cash, so I got fired.

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