(Concept by Lauren Perrine)
A lot of experts among our duly elected officials have seen fit to offer their own out-of-the-box ideas to try to help our President Trump cope with America’s current delicate situation. Senator Lindsey Graham offered advice on spraying down furniture with Listerine. Tom Cotton recommended sleeping on your stomach to allow any germs only one port of entry. But now, Diminutive Damsel of Dramedy, Representirive Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has piped up out of her warble-hole that should it become difficult to obtain food in the coming days of this ongoing crisis, Americans may do well to, unfortunately, come to make dinner out of their pets.
According to her independent study using common-core mathematics and crayons, the average American citizen with one dog or cat would save up to 400 dollars by simply letting Krypto or Streaky off their leashes and into their mouths, as tragic as it may seem. That’s a not-inconsequential amount when considering that President Trump’s apology checks won’t last forever. If they don’t bounce.
Our ginchiest little Congresswoman explained her suggestion while having a donut party at the local Krispy Kreme which she forced to open just for her and her 22 friends:
“Look, I don’t know why, if we’re closing everything and being all scared and piling up food and toilet paper, we should have to worry about some dumb dogs and cats too. Like, last time I checked, they didn’t do anything except sit around. And if food does start running short, I mean, sorry Charlie, right? Gawd these glazed are to die for.”
A great man did once say, “Tough times demand tough talk, demand tough hearts, demand tough songs, demand.” That man has a giant Canadian nose. And we know where that brand of socialism leads, don’t we?