Chelsea’s Biden SuperPac Breaks Fundraising Record

OH BOY.

It’s a balmy afternoon in Queeferland Hills, New York, and First Daughter Chelsea Clinton is walking her dog “Chappy” along the picket fence on the west end of her sprawling estate.  The dog’s name is short for “Chappaquiddick”, the lake despised by the Kennedy family.  She says she gave him the moniker as a puppy to remind her of how easily an empire can nearly fall.  It’s a lesson that, as one of the most powerful women on the globe, will indeed serve her well.

She’s read that book “The Secret” six times. The Secret? Shrooms. It’s just shrooms.

The young mother and author retires inside where we sit at a solid gold table, paid for by wealthy donors to her mother’s Presidential campaign.  Nowadays Chelsea is the earner, as Beat That Dumb Dick Donnie, her Joe Biden-supporting super Pac has officially become a record-breaker, raising over eleventy billion dollars in only thirty seconds.   The youthful black belt and fully-invested agent for entertainer Beyonce told us how she operates.

“Well, since Trump is a straight convicted criminal fraud, I’ve studied up and simply become better than him at it.  For instance, the only tech that fat old mental patient knows is Twitter.  I have entire city blocks full of hackers.  No paper trail at all.  Tax free.  Plus, I have my mom’s connections and I own at least two dozen members of his staff.  They’ll turn on him at the drop of a hat.  You think my mom was formidable?  Get ready, fatass, she was just the opening act.  Plus, I’ll wipe him out of the history books when I’m President in 2024.  Nice knowing you, herpesface.”

Yeah, that was an intern’s idea. Said it would get him the Alabama vote. That kid’s running FEMA now.

While the Biden campaign can’t legally aid or have any connection to the super Pac, they do support Clinton’s use of their promotional material for commercial use.  The organization has sold over three million signed Biden Presidential seal photos for nearly twenty dollars a pop.

As Clinton’s busy day begins, her phone starts it’s constant blaring.  The first call is from the Pope, giving her his blessing and making a date for dinner in Rome.  Next is George Soros, confirming his donation of seventy thousand barrels of thousand dollar bills.  Looks like another record is about to be blown away.

About Fallis Gunnington 142 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

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