House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has been in the news quite a bit recently, between her hair salon scandal and exorbitant ice cream tastes to opposing President Trump in just about everything he proposes. Many may have forgotten her innocent “poaching” of the Social Security fund in the recent past to cover expenses such as the ill-fated impeachment proceedings and green new deal.
Well, at a press conference this weekend with Internal Revenue chief mathlete Sandy Batt, Pelosi admitted that at this point, the coffers of the Social Security department are nearly empty. The speaker of course puts the blame for the troubling shortfall square at the feet of the failed President and his cult of idiotic supporters.
“Social Security is supposed to be for retired and elderly people to eat and live and pay rent. Many of these Trumpy noodniks are using it to buy Trump banners and shirts and the like. That’s mainly what’s draining the tank. It’s not my fault if these dipshits want to waste their hard-earned twilight year cash on worshipping a soon-to-be one-term embarrassment to America. What can I do? Tie them to their foldy beds? They’ll chew their way out with the dentures they wasted more of that money on. Serves them right, I say. Thanks for your time, no questions please, I’m heading for the bar. It’s four O’clock somewhere.”
Pelosi made no mention of her precious pilferance and offered no solutions to the approaching deficit, remarking that : “I’m sure they have enough left for a good pair of bootstraps to pull up.”
The Trump administration responded by acknowledging the looming problem, and suggesting that it would start up a new jobs program for older citizens, enabling them to once again earn their keep. Employment options will include vocations in the sewer treatment and garbage shoveling industries.